The first three months after giving birth are often referred to as the fourth trimester; a time where your baby is adjusting to life outside of the womb and you, the mother, are healing, connecting, and finding your feet in what sometimes feels like an entirely new world. The fourth trimester is magical, raw, exhausting, beautiful, difficult, emotional and most women look back at it once it’s passed as somewhat of a haze, or blur. You can’t quite remember how you made it through, but you remember that vulnerable and wildly beautiful place with such a tender heart.
When I reflect on my own fourth trimester with Travis I have such compassion for myself. Becoming a mother is one of the biggest and most shockingly rapid life changes you will ever experience. Overnight not only you, but your entire life and your role in it completely change. I know that I did my absolute best during those first few months of my journey into motherhood, but if I could go back I would be kinder to myself, I’d breathe a little more deeply. and I’d try harder to lean into those difficult and overwhelming days instead of sometimes resisting the reality of what was.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I now know just how quickly it all passes by. With Travis now seven months old things feel as if they’ve become so much easier, but I also never expected just how fast that baby phase would go. Every day I watch as he gets bigger, slowly morphing into a toddler before my eyes. I can now appreciate just how incredibly special those first few months are. Instead of sometimes feeling frustrated by the lack of freedom that comes with the fourth trimester I see the beauty in the needing and the adjusting.
Having recently navigated my own fourth trimester, here are my tips for new mamas who are about to head into it themselves:
Release expectations and embrace the now
This was something I sometimes really battled with. The fourth trimester is demanding – it demands from you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It demands all of your attention, all of your energy, and demands you to put a pause on everything you once were so that you can make space for this new little human in your world. The fourth trimester looked very different to what I had imagined – it was far more intense, far more relentless, and on some days, far more difficult than I ever imagined. If you can, release whatever expectations you have of this time so that you are more ready to embrace and accept however it lands up looking. I often found myself fighting against my reality, a completely normal thing for new moms as your whole world suddenly changes. There was so little time to do the things I needed or wanted to do for myself, and I fought against that. Or there were things I needed to do that day, perhaps as simple as tidy the house, but there were days when Travis would not be put down, and I found myself getting frustrated at how a simple 5 minute task could sometimes take me an hour or three. I wish I had let those expectations and pressure on myself go, and realized that it would not last. Be kind to yourself and accept each day as it is, and above all, realize that those emotions are completely normal and valid. Becoming a mother is a literal overnight life change and just because it’s a wonderful blessing and something you’ve always wanted perhaps, does not mean that the adjustment is always easy.
Ask for help
You realize just how true the saying “It takes a village” is when you have your first child. I truly have such respect for single moms, moms whose partners work away from home, or any mom who has to navigate this journey without a supportive and hands-on partner or family. It is non-stop which can often mean that your own needs go ignored. You can only pour from a full cup, and although it seems impossible to find time to refill that cup in the fourth trimester, ask for help when you need it. Your partner will often not know how best you need to be supported, so ask them for what you need without expecting that they’ll know. I remember when Travis was 7 weeks old I asked my mom to come over to watch him for an hour just so I could go garden without having to constantly check the baby monitor or worry about him. I was desperate for just one hour to myself. And after that I felt refilled enough to tackle the rest of the week. Help can come in so many different forms – don’t go this road alone.
Easy dinners
The last thing you will have the time or energy to think about for the first few weeks is cooking. Ready made meals that were dropped off by family and friends were life savers for us those first two weeks. Life was so full and intense I feel like if it weren’t for those meals we wouldn’t have eaten dinner most nights. Try and make life easier where you can and easy to cook food is one of the simplest ways to do that – bonus points if you can eat it with one hand as well. Trust me. Your baby WILL demand to be fed or held as soon as food is ready.
Get outside
It can be surprisingly difficult to get fresh air during the fourth trimester. Travis was born at the end of May and it was cold. Life was so busy that between the resting, the healing, the feeding and the rocking to sleep, I found some days would go by without me stepping out of the house. I started making a point of sitting outside in the sun with a cup of coffee whenever I got the chance, or just walking barefoot on the grass for a few minutes to earth. It’s an amazing way to reset, re-center and taking your baby for a little walk outside is often so calming for them as well.
Plan outings
Heading out with your baby can feel incredibly daunting. If you’ve had a c-section you almost have an excuse to be more house-bound as you heal and are unable to drive, but even those early clinic appointments and check ups can be anxiety-inducing. I remember the first time I went out with Travis by myself I was so nervous. It was all so touch-and-go sometimes it just felt easier to stay home. Although you by no means need to over-exert yourself, getting out of the house is so good for your mental and emotional well-being. When you’re ready plan one or two outings during the week – make them easy and manageable, like going to your parents or friends for coffee, or going to a local baby-friendly restaurant for a catch up with another mom. The only way you’ll get more confident with outings is by doing them, and this way you can also avoid the inevitable maternity leave cabin fever.
Say yes to plans and figure it out later
This one links in with the tip above about planning outings. Kyle and I made a point to try our best to not let having a baby limit what we could or could not do unnecessarily. We made a conscious effort to say yes to social invitations and plans, and figure it out as we went along. I always found this more stressful than he did as my mind immediately went to sleep schedules and ‘what ifs’, but I am so glad we persevered and that at times he forced me to say yes instead of no. Although there have been a few times we have had to leave events early to get Travis home, for the most part we have always been fine and managed just fine. We’ve also managed to still have somewhat of a social life as a result and don’t feel like we’ve missed out on too much.
Carve out some time for yourself
This one is so incredibly difficult, but also so important. Especially in the early days (and even on some of the later days) your “you-time” is limited and can feel hard to come by. With the relentless feeding and non-stop cycle that is newborn life, finding even five minutes for yourself can feel impossible. But trust me, you need it. It might not happen every day, and when it does happen it might be 15 minutes, but do your best to seek out a few moments for yourself when you can. The transition into motherhood can feel so intense and overwhelming, sometimes it feels as if you’ve completely lost the old you. Even if you can find five minutes in a day to do something to help you reconnect with you as an individual, do it.
Find your tribe
I can confidently say that I would not have made it through my fourth trimester without the tribe of women I had surrounding me. I was so fortunate to have so many friends having babies at the same time as me, I didn’t need to search too hard to find my tribe. Having women in the same life stage as you that you can touch base with, compare notes with and just check in with for support is absolutely invaluable. I met some amazing women at antenatal classes as well as at Baby Brightstars (the mom and baby class I went to). Join the classes, the pages or the whatsapp groups that friends recommend. Not only do you need the emotional support and comraderie of fellow mothers who are also in their fourth trimester, but you also need people to do things with while you’re on maternity leave and everyone else is at work.
Figure sleep out
One of the most important things you need in order to survive the fourth trimester is rest. Although good quality sleep seems like a distant dream during this time as you adjust to multiple night feeds and waking at every grunt or movement, do what you need to do in order to get even a few uninterrupted hours of sleep. The more rest you and your partnet get the more resilient you’ll be during this time, and the better you’ll be able to cope with the intensity of being a new parent. Kyle and I did shift work for the first two or three months. Once Travis was down I would go to bed in the spare room and Kyle would go to bed in our bedroom where Travis also slept. Babies first patch of night sleep is usually their best, so I would land up getting three or four hours of solid sleep before swapping with Kyle for the rest of the night so I could do the feeds as I was nursing. Once nights got easier to manage I did the full night shift, and once he was on bottles, Kyle would give me one night off a week where I got to sleep in the spare room and get a solid night’s rest. After I went back to work we started alternating nights with Travis. Although it’s been hard to not share a room each night, our plan has been a game-changer in terms of making sure we’re both as well rested as possible. I can honestly say that this has been the number one reason that I haven’t felt the intense sleep deprivation expected in early motherhood. Waking up multiple times a night is by no means easy, but having a few nights or even hours off regularly makes such a huge difference.
Let go of the routine
When you’re in the fog of the fourth trimester you start getting told a lot of things about creating and implementing a routine for your baby. From nap times to wake windows to cluster feedings, the information can come thick and fast and overwhelmingly so! I remember feeling stressed that Travis didn’t have a set routine at one point. Although managing your little ones wake windows and nightly bedtime is important, what happens inbetween that is going to vary day by day. Your little one is not going to wake up at the exact same time every morning, and some days they’ll have more energy than others. They’re also little humans and each day is its own. Do your best to feed them when they’re hungry, watch for their sleepy cues and prevent them from getting over-tired. Other than that try and let go of the need for an exact routine, it is not worth the stress and pressure you’ll land up putting on yourself or your baby.
Good luck Mama! You can do this and I promise that even through the fog, you will look back on this time with such precious memories one day. Look after yourself both physically and mentally and take it one day at a time.
xx