A guest post by Cindy-Lee Moon
No,
Is a necessary magic
No,
Draws a circle around you
With chalk
And says
I have given enough
– Boundaries
My failure to set boundaries resulted in allowing myself to be too accessible and therefore caused me great resentment toward the very people who I allowed in. In an ideal world, if I had learned the practice of setting healthy boundaries upfront I would have saved myself the pain of feeling that resentment – because ultimately, people treat us the way we allow them to.
The experience that lead me to see this unhealthy pattern emerging was like a gift to me from the universe saying “Stop the bus! You need to gain some control”. Of course, you can’t control life, but you have a voice and the right to guide the way you deserve to be treated. Use that voice, then relinquish the control because those who matter will listen and respect you and those who don’t, well, that’s chapter two…
The purpose of setting healthy boundaries is to protect ME, because the more broken down the boundary walls become, the less of me I have to give to YOU; my friend, my colleague or my partner.
In this age we are so susceptible to unhealthy levels of accessibility. Those damn blue ticks on Whatsapp, a video call all up-in-my-face before I’ve even put my eyebrows on, email read-receipts, GPS tracking…if I haven’t updated my Insta story in 24 hours will they think I’m dead?! I’m not saying anything new here – in the age of major connectivity we’ve got to be mindful of not losing our connection to ourselves. We need boundaries in order to make space for us – for reflection, calibration, and to be our best selves.
What are boundaries? It’s your personal set of rules, guided by your intuition, to create physical or metaphorical space for yourself to feel safe. They’re something of a survival necessity to preserve energy for yourself. The sweet spot in any relationship or friendship is when boundaries are understood and above all respected, not up for judgement or negotiation.
We’re all about self-care right now. Boundaries fit right into that concept, as a self-respecting strategy for yourself. Boundaries aren’t about controlling others or making them change to fit in with you. Setting boundaries requires a self-study; lean into what brings discomfort, what brings you peace, and how you want to be treated in this already-challenging and demanding world we live in.
What was important for me was acknowledging that I deserve my boundaries, and the peace of this knowledge gave me the confidence and strength to say ‘no’ to what was not for me, and to move forward with a fresh approach to balance. It’s a work-in-progress and I’m certainly not the master, but that makes me the student, and we’re all learning together.
Boundaries and people-pleasing are not natural friends. My inherent need for everyone to like me had me hamstrung with the anxiety that if I wasn’t accessible to everyone 24/7 I was being terribly self-indulgent, or not a good friend, bridesmaid, daughter or wife. It was a breaking point for me where I felt so stretched and exhausted from saying ‘yes’, giving hours of my time, energy and being so damn accessible that I was just so empty, drained and devoid of my spark. My bubbly spark, the very signature of my character. Something needed to change!
When something changes inside you, things need to change around you, be it lifestyle or the company you keep. Sometimes you get boundary breakers, who perhaps can’t respect your boundaries and therein lies a different decision – to walk away. Someone said, “The only people who get upset when you set boundaries, are those who benefitted from you having none.” You can rest
in the space you created for yourself, away from older, toxic ways to make space for a new promising lifestyle and relationships. It hurts, but grieve it hard and well, and you will feel better for it, for living your truth.
MEET CINDY MOON
Cindy is our guest contributor for today’s blog post and one of my closest friends. Currently living in Hillcrest with her husband Rob, she is a brand leader for the Mr Price Group, an interiors fundi, and one of the wisest and most soulful woman I have been lucky enough to have in my life.
One of the biggest lessons 2020 has taught me so far is…To not get consumed by what we cannot control, and to “dance in the rain” – so to speak. We have been dealt this card, what you gonna do? Enjoy the opportunity to reflect, reassess and then re-set.When I’m feeling stressed and need to unwind the thing I turn to is…Nature and sunshine, you can’t beat it.
My favourite self-love practice is…Coffee in bed on Saturday, forcing a slow morning to regroup and consider the day ahead, which is always deserved after a busy week.
The book that has had the most significant impact on my life is….Michelle Obama – Becoming. Her lessons on growing through adversity, the courage to be real, being bold and always kind.
The number one thing on my bucket list is…I just want to travel, I don’t mind where, I just want to experience and tick off as many places as I can.
One of the things I love most about myself is…Compassionate empathy
Something I’m still learning is…To trust my gut. We all have strong instincts and innate wisdom yet seeking opinions of others is always easier than trusting ourselves. Author Glennon Doyle says “This life is mine alone. So I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been.”
My favourite place in the world is…Home, always.