I’m currently writing this post on my cellphone (a first for me), Travis asleep in my arms not wanting to be put down after getting his 10 week vaccinations this morning. I’m surrendering to the fact that I might not find a gap to sit and write this on my laptop, and if I don’t use the time and means I have, I might not write this post at all. See, I thought this time after giving birth would carry a theme of grace; a time of me learning how to be gentle with myself and others, whilst figuring out how to navigate the unchartered waters of motherhood and postpartum life without resistance or expectation. What I’ve really been learning is how to surrender.
We all enjoy having a sense of control over our lives. We know what we want to do and when we want to do it. We know the goals we want to achieve. We know the time we have at our disposal and how we want to use it. Bring a newborn into the mix and all of the above stays the same, except all of a sudden we don’t have that much time anymore, and we have no idea when we’re going to get that much anticipated moment to ourselves. If we do get it, there’s a long list of things we want to do but an equally long list of things that need to be done before our time is no longer ours once again.
Having a baby leaves you with seemingly little control over your life, at least for the time being. As much as you may want to do something, there’s a new little person who wants to sleep when they’re tired, eat when they’re hungry, be held when they don’t want to be alone, and is as unpredictable and strong-willed as they come. I’ve lost count of how many days have not gone according to my plan. I clearly remember a day not so long ago, where all I wanted to do was fit in 30 minutes of exercise in the lounge, and clean the house. Hardly ambitious, right? Well, Travis refused to be put down to sleep and the only way I could get him to nap was to hold him. After three attempts of putting him in his crib and having him wake up a few minutes later, I was so frustrated I felt on the verge of tears. I was yearning for half an hour for myself, and a gap to tidy the disaster that surrounded me. The more I couldn’t get to these two simple tasks the more anxious and desperate I became. It was already 10h30 and I was still in bed, holding Travis while he slept, having done nothing else that day so far.
I realized that my anxiety and frustration wasn’t coming from the fact that I was lying in bed cuddling my son (which in itself is a dream), but more from the fact that my reality in that moment didn’t quite match the expectation I had created for that day. It was as simple as that. In essence, there was nothing at all “wrong” with my day except the thoughts I had about it. I had a choice in that moment – continue to fight against reality, or accept reality and surrender to the moment I was in. And so I surrendered. I made a cup of coffee, crawled back into bed and soaked in my baby, knowing full well that soon he’ll be too big and too busy to want to sleep in my arms so comfortably.
The lesson of this moment has replayed countless times in the past 10 weeks. Surrender, surrender, surrender. Surrender when despite my best attempts the washing still hasn’t been folded and packed away for the third day in a row. Surrender when we have to cut an outing short because Travis is over-tired and needs to go home. Surrender when some of the things I’m desperate to do have to get put on the back-burner for a few months because they’re just too challenging with a little one. Surrender when Travis wakes up four times during the night instead of two. Surrender to the feeling that my heart can’t possibly love him more, and that each week as he get’s bigger my heart simultaneously grows and breaks, feeling how fast my baby is already changing. Surrender.
Motherhood is fast teaching me that life will be what it’s going to be. My son is going to be who he is going to be. I’m not always going to be able to control things, or have things the way I feel they should be. But motherhood is also fast teaching me that each moment, and each day is so much more beautiful when we lean into it and surrender to the moment life has gifted us with instead of fighting against it for something different, because when we do that we miss completely the wonder of our reality.
I look back and see how many moments in my life were left unappreciated by my not surrendering to what was. Fighting against the rain when all I wanted was sunshine. Working so hard to “fix” things that ultimately weren’t broken. Choosing to side with fear and doubt instead of joy and courage. Our emotions and therefore experience of life is completely based on how we perceive each moment, not on the moment itself, and so I see how each of those situations could have been so much more beautiful if I’d chosen to surrender to life instead of pushing against it.
Surrendering doesn’t mean giving up or giving in, but receiving what is as if we’d chosen it. When we surrender we’re able to move out of our minds and into the moment, and that’s ultimately where life lives.
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