We all want to be happy. We throw it out there as if it’s the most simple statement in the world, but how often have you ever stopped to think about what being happy looks like for you? When people ask what we want in life we reply “I just want to be happy”. Or, when we’re going through a bit of a dip we love to say “Life shouldn’t be this hard – I just want to be happy!” I’m all for living a happy life and letting the positive energy flow, but there’s something intrinsically destructive in this little statement that is so ingrained in us.
Happiness is not a way of life. It is not a place where you magically arrive one sunny day and never leave. And it’s not some external achievement we can work towards having. So when we say things like “I wish I could just be happy” it’s subconsciously destructive because A) By saying that you wish to be happy you’re basically telling yourself that in the present moment you are not happy and so you’re discounting all the times you do actually feel good about your life, and B) You’re putting unrealistic pressure on yourself to reach this magical place that doesn’t exist.
What does happiness look like to you? When you think of a happy version of yourself and imagine living the happy life you aspire to, what exactly does it look like? Write it down. Only by detailing exactly what qualities and “things” you’ve attached to the notion of happiness can you truly break this concept down for yourself. For everything you list attach the corresponding reason as to why exactly that aspect is important to your happiness. What will it allow you to do? How would it make you feel?
For example your list could be structured like this:
- The happiest version of myself is 5kg lighter – this is important to my happiness because I will feel more confident in my own skin and I’d feel more attractive.
- When I think of living a happy life I see myself travelling internationally for beautiful holidays at least once a year – this is important to me because I enjoy the adventure of travelling and it will make me feel good about myself in social circles to be able to travel.
Get really honest with yourself – this is a deeply personal activity and important to be able to see the meanings you’ve built about your own construct of happiness.
Now, reflect on your list. How many of the things on your list are external factors, ie. things you want to do, have, or accomplish? How many of the things on your list are you able to purchase with money? How many of the things are on your list because they appeal to your ego – the part of yourself that wants to look good to others?
How many things on your list relate to your values, principals, perspectives and who you are on the inside?
When we actually deconstruct what we think happiness means to us we start seeing that in order for us to be happy in our own worlds, we need a lot of external things to happen in order for them to make us feel a certain way on the inside. Isn’t that crazy? While it is completely normal and natural for us to want nice things in our lives and aspire to a certain way of living that resonates with who we are, problems start creeping in when we start attaching the concept of happiness to these things we want.
The truth is that happiness is an inside job. Someone could have far less than you or live a far more difficult life than you on the outside, but be much happier than you are. At the same time someone could have significantly more than you and live the life of your dreams on the outside, and be far less happy than you are in reality.
How our lives look like on the outside do not represent how we feel on the inside.
Happiness is in the thoughts you think. It’s in the way you choose to frame a situation. It is the things you choose to believe. Happiness is looking for things to be grateful for and seeking out the beauty in each day. Happiness is finding joy in the small things. It is choosing to put more love and kindness into the world. It is speaking more about the things that you’re excited about than the things that upset you. We seek the external in the hopes that they will change how we feel on the inside, not realizing that we can choose at any moment how we want to live our lives.
This is a lesson that has been so prominent in my life this year. When I left to Dubai I was not only looking for myself, but I was holding onto this subconscious belief that living this exciting life and seeing the world would make me happy and give me purpose. Instead of travelling full time I landed up quarantining alone in my apartment far away from my loved ones with no access to the outdoor spaces that mean so much to me. Looking at it now I had very little on the outside in a sense. But I learned the true meaning of happiness and what I needed to be happy in myself. On the list that I came up with during that experience, very little lay outside of myself. For the first time I truly learned the meaning of “happiness comes from within”.
I encourage you to start letting go of the images you hold in your mind about what happiness looks like, and start looking for small moments of happiness where you are right now. Happiness is not a place you will eventually arrive at – it is state of being, and a state that you may not find every day. If you just want to be happy, stop waiting for your life to change and start finding the happiness already around you.
xx